I contemplated whether to share this with all of you or not. I went through and copied down some of my mother’s conversations to me from the few months after my divorce. They run through my mind on a regular basis.
I decided to bring light to my shameful secrets. I decided to share a very intimate part of my life with you readers. I need to not be the only one who knows about these words. I can’t let them have the power to tear me apart.
“You don’t have to post bitter things about Valentine’s. It just makes you look angry and bitter and no one likes to hear that anymore than the mushy gushy stuff. Thinking about what God has done and His love and than how to be like Him would be better. Acting bitter and hateful reflects back to the Lord whom you say you love and follow.”
“How will bitterness help anyone you know come to desire Jesus? Learn to let this day go. It’s more hype than real for most people…Much like Thanksgiving where people don’t pray and give thanks to God, but over indulge with food and sports and shopping or Christmas…”
“If you think the 3 years you spent with John were a waste of your time…Think how much money and time your dad and I put into the music YOU wanted to do. I guess you can say, we were really stupid too.”
“You didn’t even do anything with your music while you were married, so it shouldn’t be a painful reminder of that time. You think you’re facing pain now? You have no idea.”
“How often do you put your feelings first? Like “I’d rather do this because it’ll be more fun than this other thing because I don’t really want to do it (although I know I should)?” Like getting needed rest or going to church as opposed to hanging with friends because it’s the “fun” thing to do? (And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t get together with friends, as you need to develop relationships there, too.) I’m referring to when it would be more beneficial to get some rest of do something that isn’t “fun” feeling but doing what would be better for the body or spirit’s wellbeing.”
“To be truthful, how much of your life have you lived alone…I mean really alone? Even when you were out of 2nd street you had 2 jobs or you were dating. If God asked you to give a whole year to Him and Him alone, could you? I’m not talking about quitting your job and sitting on some mountaintop. I mean really putting Him up there in the relationship? Where He is first and foremost?”
“Your dad wanted to know how you always manage to find the biggest losers? If your sense of character in others is as bad as your sense of direction?”
“I love you, but I won’t play the warm fuzzy game anymore. I care about you and want the best for you. So I’ll give you the truth of how I see it. I’d rather you hate me for caring about you than to love me while falling into the same situations over and over. It’s not what the Christian life is about. There’s an old saying for you to ponder. “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.””
“I’m not saying anything to be mean. I really feel that you’ve been running from God. He gave you so much musical and language ability, but did you bury it like the servant with the one talent? When you’re always on the go, you don’t have time for those gifts and to listen to the Holy Spirit. That is why I feel like you’re running from God. If you stay busy, you can’t hear Him. It is why I’ve brought up Christian counseling. You can’t seem to see the problem and your dad and I are not in a position for you to listen to either. Your dad and I felt that you long for relationships with guys (even friends) to fill the gap that should only be filled with God.”