With you, I feel again Pt 2

Currently listening to: Caught in a Dream, by Tesla

Click to listen along

Currently drinking: Dad’s favorite beer, Miller Lite

Picking up that phone and dialing my dad’s number was probably the most emotionally intense thing I’ve ever done in my life. So long I’d dreamed of what their voices sounded like, and across cell towers and power lines I was about to experience that. I was scared out of my mind.

After the two longest rings of my life, he answered.

We awkwardly said hello and laughed. We both knew how weird and amazing this was. He told me the last time he saw me I was only a foot long. I really don’t remember much of what I said, my mind was spinning in a million different directions in the moment.

He told me he’s still with my mom and how he is still so in love with her. How she has stage four breast cancer and has been dealing with it for 11 years. I sat and cried, feeling robbed of time and scared for my own future. But I know everything happens for a reason.

He told me how I was born out of so much love, and how they were kids and just couldn’t emotionally take care of me the way they wanted to. To hear that love was at the basis of my creation and my whole life was so good to hear. I’d had no idea if they loved each other, if they’d been having problems and that’s why they wanted to give me up, or any other number of terrible things. It was so good to see that they are still together and still crazy about each other.

I told him how my adoptive parents disowned me for being gay. He told me how upset that made him, that they entrusted me to these people to provide unconditional love and support and how that’s not at all what they’ve done. He said that he wouldn’t care if I wanted to be a “one-legged vegetarian” (lol), that I was their kid and they would always support me no matter what.

To be welcomed so completely, to be completely loved and accepted without hesitation was so emotional. All I’ve wanted my entire life was for my parents to love me for me, to accept me, to be proud of me. And here are these beautiful people who knew me for a moment, lost me for 28 years, and have now known me for a moment more, and they without hesitation welcome me with open arms.

This was my dream come true. This was that moment in life where I break through all the shitty bogs and valleys I’ve trudged through to get here, and come out on top of a mountain. Where the view begs me to stop and appreciate the beauty of everything that is happening in this moment.

We only spoke for a few minutes and then said our goodbyes.

We went on to communicate mostly through emails and pictures and text. Go figure my dad and I would have better conversations through written word. =]

I asked him if he wouldn’t mind sending me some pictures of them. I had pictures in my head, rough drafts if you will that I’d put together from the few vitals I knew of. But to be able to look at a picture and see yourself in people, to finally feel that final piece of your puzzle fall into place, that’s a feeling I can only feebly translate to words. Belonging.

Here they are: Click to view images

I have my mom’s eyes and my dad’s everything else. I have people I look like. I have people in my life whose blood runs through my veins. How. Freaking. Cool.

So turns out, my dad is maybe the coolest person I’ve ever known. We have so much in common.

Music artists he likes: Beck, Rush, Journey, Tesla, Phil Collins, Flyleaf, Tokio Hotel, Miles Davis, The Goo Goo Dolls, Hole, New Order, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Blue Oyster Cult, Muse, to name a few. His song for my mom is Name by The Goo Goo Dolls. He also plays music like I do, and sings. He played percussion and brass and sang in the Navy Choir. He was the lead singer in a cover band. I can’t wait for the moment we get to sing together. I’ve felt connection with people when I sing with them before, so I’m sure singing with my dad is going to be incredible.

(By the way, if any of you have Google Play Music I made a playlist of songs my dad recommended. =] Click for playlist )

He crochets afghans for animals in rescues to comfort them. He owned a Camaro back in the day (and got pulled over in a lot =P). He’s an artist and has had showings in galleries. He loves to read and we can talk for hours about books.

He and I both love rainy days and tequila sunrises. We start messaging each other at the same times. We love yoga and meditation and talk about how my generation might just be the one to make a difference in saving the earth. He listened to all my videos on Youtube and told me how proud he is of me.

They had a friend of theirs make them a planter for their porch, and they included rainbow flowers in support of Eden and I. =]

For your viewing pleasure (from our Facebook convos)

“Michael: So when u wake up…I put your Dark Horses video on my Facebook. But ..I was just caught up in the moment and I put ‘ My daughter’ …to intro the video. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to be wierd or anything…just…happy

Me: No no don’t apologize. My dad was never affectionate with me or anything so that actually means a lot to me. I’m so happy too =]”

“Me: I’m a shameless journey/steve perry fan haha. Have you seen the movie Rock of Ages? It’s a musical set in the 80s, sooooo good

Michael: Ok.ok.wait. wait. Things are now getting wierd. When I was overseas..my go-to homesick, drunk in a bar, stoned out of my mind was..and sing along…”When the lights go down in the city…Are ya frigging kidding me..Mr.Perry setting me back on the path.”

“Me: What are you reading right now? I’ve always been obsessed with reading. I collect antique books

Michael: That’s cool. A little wierd..I like old diaries. I kinda feel like I’m snooping but…I wonder what happened to these people…thier hopes and dreams..

And old photographs..

So since I met you I bought a book…Generation We: How millennial youth are taking over America and changing our world forever.

Me: I’ve always loved journaling. And that book sounds cool, I think my generation has the capability to make some great changes

Michael: Here’s the ball…run with it. We did what we could. Carry on. I’m proud that you think that way. Your generation is very cool.”

“Michael: Hi! I hope you don’t mind if I check in about once a day, ya know, just to say hey and hope you have a great day. Because you’re important. =]

“Me: on a serious note, I just wanted to thank you for how supportive and open you’ve been with me. So far it’s been an amazing experience getting to know you guys and I’m really excited to meet you whenever you guys are comfortable with that. I’m totally fine chatting here though for now. 🙂 having gone through such a bad experience with my parents this past year I really needed someone to accept me for who I am and you’ve done that. Thank you so much. 💖

Michael: Ok. Here’s the way we seriously feel. We loved you unconditionally when you were born. We love you UNCONDITIONALLY now. We don’t care what you do, who you love or if you decide to be a completely different person tomorrow. We’ve got your back. Always and forever. ALWAYS and FOREVER.”

My life feels like a dream right now. It’s perfect. Every day I wake up and I’m excited to learn more about these beautiful people who are such a part of me.

We’re planning on meeting on September 10. I’ll be honest, I’m terrified out of my mind. But excited at the same time. That moment will be one of the most perfect, best moments of my life. I’ll be with all the people I was meant to be with.

Thanks universe. I owe you one. I owe you everything.

And, because I know they’ll read this: Mom, Dad, I love you. =]




2 thoughts on “With you, I feel again Pt 2

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